It’s been 12 years since that horrific day but my past comes back to haunt me. What triggers these dark memories and anxiety attacks?
Just recently, I picked up a pallet of backpacks being donated to one of Crime Survivors’ programs – the Survivor’s Hope Backpack & School Supplies Program. The plastic shrink-wrap around the boxes was cut before being loaded into the van. And then, Boom – the flashbacks came: All I could see and feel was saran wrap around my mouth as I was gasping for what I thought was my last breath. I felt the sensation of fingernails on a chalkboard. I trembled and shook a bit. The apparent trigger was the shrink-wrap.
Is it PTSD, anxiety, memories, fear or just part of surviving an attempted murder?
I’m human like everyone else but every once in a while I have unpleasant memories or flashbacks of certain events from childhood, teenage years and like the one above that are triggered by seemingly innocent things. I take a moment to honor and work through these triggers and challenges, knowing consciously that I’m not in those same moments and I’m not being hurt again and that they are just flashbacks. I’m okay. I am safe now.
From my point of view, these triggers and flashbacks can’t be avoided. They are part of life, living and surviving. I affirm to myself; I am not a victim, I am a survivor, and with every passing moment, it only makes me that much stronger.
As this was happening to me, I shook and trembled and my blood pressure probably went up. But at the same time I realized that with faith there is hope, and with hope comes healing. I never forgot my passion or purpose nor the joy that comes from helping so many others. Just knowing that we can break these cycles of victimization, that we can survive victimization allows me to smile and face my own fears.
It is a blessing to be alive even as the tears flow from me. I have to acknowledge that the past is just that – it’s the past – and the present allows us to make an impact on the lives of others and their futures. As a survivor, I know these triggers and challenges go with the territory but I accept them and I embrace them.
Hope for Healing!!!! PW
